Expanding the Conversation
- April Gavin
- Jul 28
- 3 min read
“Forgetting is the natural process, remembering is the unnatural effort one makes.” William Kentridge
Yesterday would have been Michael’s 74th birthday. I think about what we could have done together. What art would he be making? There’s so much I want to tell him. There’s so much he enabled me to do that I would have not done otherwise. I wish that he could see what I’ve created in the last year and a half since he’s been gone.
I am exploring the discomfort we all have with emotions. My entire life I’ve been told that I was tender-hearted as if it was a put-down. Maybe, it’s actually a super hero power. Gathering this power, the art I have made expands the conversation around grief. I refuse to be lazy about it. There is the technical skill needed to accomplish the work, the emotional forbearance, and then the actual ideas.
After Michael died, I wrote down forty different emotions that I felt during his illness and after his passing. This list was edited down to twelve. The five emotions (denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance) that we have been given by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are present, but not in that neat stratified order that the book lays down. The extra seven emotions I encountered were : bullied, anxiety, weary, relief, forlorn, humility, and despair.
Anxiety and Humility as emotions contrast each other. Anxiety can be this aggressive "must know now what will happen next" feeling. Humility can be this "come what may" feeling. The tools used to create both pieces come from the same elements and colors.
One of the original five emotions was bargaining. Bargaining is a kind of hope. It’s something you want that you may be willing to trade for. I remember so clearly what I hoped for when Michael was still alive. It was a light feeling that would embrace me for a long time. What would I have traded for these two hopes to come true?
This piece arrived bloodied and bruised at the end of a studio day. I saw it right away as part of this body of work. One of the chief emotions for me was bullied. There were so many bullies during Michael's illness and after he died. I've been bullied all my life so I know the feeling well.
As Lynn Peterfreund, one of my mentors at Zea May Printmaking, said to me recently, line tells story. I would add that color tells emotion, but you can’t be lazy about it and rely on cultural standards. The two elements of line and color can get together and create something that is uniquely yours. It must come from within to have say in the world.
None of this work would have been possible without my mentorship at Zea Mays. I have learned so much over the last year and my output reflects that. My mentorship at Zea Mays would not have been possible without Michael. He encouraged and supported me to do this work. I have done my best as I will always do my best for him.
One last thing…
This piece was juried into the Small Wonders exhibition at The Hummingbird and Dragonfly Art Gallery in Los Angeles. The show is online right now. There’s a lot of lovely art there. Please check it out.
I made this work during the pandemic when remaining calm was one strategy.
Take care and more out of me soon…
Tenderheartedness is definitely a super power! One of the great gifts of middle age is accepting our emotional natures and finally feeling empowered by them.